tears and exploding sheds

I got my essay finished..yay! It wasn't what it intended to be, but I don't suppose things often are?! It's theme/title changed agin, after again, it morphed into simply 'love'. Started after headspace, worked til 4am, went to bed and got up to finish at 8ish am. A funny thing happened last night though....at about half 3 as I was nearing the close of the first draft of the essay, I came to write about abit of the bible which has always meant soo much to me. Someone who is now a long-lost blssing gave me a card on the day of my baptism, and on it were the verses at the end of John's gospel...the reconciliation between Peter and Jesus. When I first read them years ago, I was abit baffled by them...but slowly they became totally relevant. So last night, at 3:30am, I found myself sat in an empty office crying before my computer screen...crying and hoping and finding myself closer to God than I've felt in awhile. It really WILL all be ok...we are loved and cherished.
So after my tiring night...a nice light and relaxing day would have been good..but NO! The first 3 hour seminar on drug abuse and the like was good. Then came dinner, and a long and confusing discussion on the theories of Atonement...why did Jesus die on that cross? Si was speaking in our evening seminar...on that very subject. I'm not going to go into details...but randomly about half way through I got this really odd image in my head! At the Tate Modern, theres this one piece which is this huge exploding shed...all these pieces of shed, and articles from inside the shed, are suspended in mid-air, caught in the instant that the whole thing comes apart. So...in my head tonight, there I was, caught in this exploding shed, suspended, shocked in mid air, struggling to grip the pieces of the whole which now surround me. I suppose this was quite an apt picture really...I;m trying to fit together bits of stuff that I know, things I believe to be true and things I know to be true...and new things which are really only fragments...its all very confusing! BUT...its not bad, I feel really 'safe'. Confused and questioning, but I know that I;m held...I can fall back on what I know and trust, and He will always be there. Sheltered in the feathers of his wings.
xXx

" For the LOVE..."!

Well...another sunday night, another piece or work to do! This time it's my research project...last piece for Frontline, I'v decided to go for something to do with the love of God...it's a nice narrow topic you see, not much to say on it really so it's well do-able in one night..yearrite! It'll all be ok!
Over lunch today we got talking about stuff...not sure what really, but it led onto me clarifying and voicing some thoughts Ive been having lately about changing the world...I'm getting better at 'thinking bigger' dont u think?..could be abit of your infulence there Pete..and the odd bit of Steve too, 'you see, the truth - is - this...'. Annnyway...me and my group of friends and, I suspect, others seem to be at this place at the moment...sort of waiting for something to happen, and maybe abit of disbelief and confusion that this is where we're at right now...wherever that may be. We want to change the world you see...we just do. And we don't feel that, really, we're changing much of anything right now. But I was thinking...and maybe we are changing something just by WANTING to change things...by hoping and praying, striving and believing. Who knows what any of us will end up doing...but maybe what's just as, if not more, important is what we do on the way there...who we are on the journey, not just what we are at the destination. Person by person, pub by pub, shop by shop, office by office...maybe thats how the world is changed? There's other ways too...who knows where we'll end up. But I suppose something Im coming to realise is that its love that changes things, love showing through in every situation and motivating every action...love thats 'different' and dynamic...God's love (hmm..essay conclusion coming up!). So...who says we can't change the world right here (or there..or wherever...), right now?
Back to the essay...xXx

aaaargh

Having one of those really frustrating days today! Woke up fine...but now Im stressed and narky and really frustrated! Don't you just hate days like that! Not enough computers for us all to work in the office, and I have a study project to write for monday...so I've been voluntarily exiled to the other office, gate crashing a department and using the noisiest computer in the world! Its not all bad though..Naomi just gave me some chocolate brownie so thats good!...and seeing as Im here I can get lunch from Munchies....and thats REALLY good! And my new subspace (small group typish thing) started last night, and it was nice...so really, its mostly ok! Right...have a long thing to write and don't want to have to do all of it on sunday night, although some is inevitable; and I also have to update the much neglected headspace blog...so I shall go, work, and eat sometime shortly. Au revoir xXx

Got my book review done...finished 10minutes before I had to leave yesterday, timed to perfection! Am actually so tired..dont seem to catch up on sleep much these days! Went to try and get some conversations in the local community going about soulinthecity today. Was quite good...Freddie who leases/runs the little market down lower marsh is lovely, at least he warmed after we'd chatted for abit, and said he was definately up for some young people doing some brightening and revamping of the place in summertime..yay! Other successes include the Billy from the jewellry shop Prophet, said he's going to give it some thought and email me...but then best offer of the day definately came from his mate, a fellow lower marsh shop owner who said he'd be thrilled to have a bunch of these enthusiastic young people to work on his window displays for him!...sounds good...but then he tells me that he owns the lower marsh hedonism/sex shop..ha ha! Imagine...the poor little lambs would never be the same again! It made me chuckle I have to say. Hopefully more projects will open up...theres so much red tape and council rules etc etc that it's hard finding things that we could do that we CAN actually do...it'll come together though.
The flat seems really quiet now..with my friends gone (lammie's latest post-it on her blog comes pretty close to how I'm feeling at the moment...and made me cry today..twice!)...Janae's mum back to America and Ryan still back...its oh so quiet (said in voive of Bjork, cue instrumental..)
xXx

One cup of coffee, one bowl of cereal, a chocolate hob-nob bar and a cup of tea later...557 words done and less than 3.5 hours before I have to leave! It's going to be a short one...but it will 'be'! (I think its a good job I didnt have a blog during exams...could have been a very very bad thing!)
xXx

Ok...so now its 5hrs 20mins before my book review..just got out of the shower and now I will start writing it..aargh! Got a 'plan' though, very late last night. so hopefully it will aaallll come together fine and dandy like!Why do I do this to myself?!.....
xXx

I'm nearing the last installment of a really quite mad weekend! Had the lovely girls staying for the weeked, we speant loads of time in starbucks...eating ice cream and bacon, but not together...eating in general...chatting and chatting and laughing and walking! I had my first steak...a 13day hung scottish rib-eye steak dont you know! It was so nice some of us being back together, lounging round the tate and stalking celebrities and just chilling! We also found the oldest and possibly cutest wine bar in london...Gordons Wine Bar at Embankment..it's so cool there!
I managed to get one of my lovely co-all bar one-workers to cover for me on saturday night...was one of those 'prayer gets answered in 5 minutes' scenarios..very cool! So I got to go to the Gareth Higgins talk at Headspace, which was interesting but not what I expected...v good though! Check out his book How Movies Helped Save My Soul, sounds like a good read.
This morning as manic as usual...daffodils everywhere, unknown hymns and unknown notes, tinny pianos and loud drums and a drum and bass version of we are marching..! Then a lull as I get taken out for a mothers day celebration with Janae and Janaes mum! Treated to bbq chicken and more starbucks...nice break! Nowww...on to the next thing...Gareth Higgins again at Headspace..and then I have a whole book review to start and finish due in to Frontline tomorrow...and so it goes on....!
xXx

I'm clocking up a good few links on my blog now...I really should figure out how to put them in categories though cos theyre abit confusing! Any blogging tutorials welcome!
Got the article written...joy! Again, anyone who wants to get it, let me know. Now only 2 more to do for the immediate future! Est and Lam are coming to visit tomorrow...yay, will be a very nice weekend..especially if I can get work to give me saturday night off....heres hoping...
xXx

Today is really reminding me of old times at uni!! I really did try really really hard to get up and ready in time for the prayer meeting where I was kind of supposed to be at 9am...almost made it, had been tearing down the road and was half way there before I realised I was already embarassingly late, so turned back round and headed for home at a slightly slower pace. Took a detor via one of my favourite places, scooterworks, and had coffee whilst planning the article I must get written today. Remember english lectures in 1st year Em?!...we'd nearly make it...but just end up sipping cappucino's in Harvey's!!
Now I'm trying to write my article...but I have writers block! Need to get it to Ryan today so he can send it out in our news email thing, Connect, tomorrow...by the way its quite a good read (well..normally, maybe when Im not writing it!!!)...anyone who wants to receive it then let me know here or via email and I'll add you to the mailing list. So...here I am, hours before the deadline...still abit hazy about what Im writing...with 2 other things in the pipeline to write after this! And maybe this is just a liiitle bit of procrastination...just a little bit though...today really does remind me of Keele!!
xXx
p.s. just realised I use ALOT of dots '...'...excessive amount of dots...must cut down on dots

It's easy to drift on through time and space in abit of a daze sometimes don't you think?!...yesterday, a day off(yay), I ended up doing quite alot of random walking through London...and it sort of hit me afresh that I am, in fact, living in London! Not that I'd forgotton...maybe I'd just lost abit of the excitement, not bee appreciating it enough. I walked past the famous and prestigous Ivy restaurant...Stringfellows...a tiny door in a busy street saying 'Mr...Literary Agent', which really made me want to start writing a book! Coffee bars and boutiques and expensive beauty salons...food from every part of the world. It's kind of the little things though which indicate that this has become home...the Big Issue seller who always stands at Embankment and really sounds very odd, he sounds like he could be on a Steve Reich recording, making up strange melodies and tempos, 'you knowwww you wann-na buy, ever-rryone wants to buy, deep dowwwwn in your heart you knowwww you're gon-na buy...the big-issue...', anyone who comes to visit, I have to take you to hear this guy!
Then last night me and Janae went to hear Blindpilot, they were really good and I intend to add a link to them...they were playing in Hackney, another little area of London we got to go see...reminds you of how big this place is, and how much in the centre we live, when we have to go on a public transport mission just to get to Hackney! I didnt get anything stolen...hurrah!
Blindpilot were being supported by The Riot...a band from Birmingham, the leader singer is son of Led Zepplin (v v attractive but his trousers were way too tight!!), and they were v impressive (the band...not the trousers)! Again a complete mission to get home...had to walk a great distance in high boots to get home! But it was amazing...we went accross Jubilee bridge, it was quite late so not many other people around, and the reflections on the water were unbelievable...it was so still and clear it was like there was a whole city underwater that we were catching glimpses of..it was actually quite wierd, but very beautiful!
Ok, enough talking...now I must get ready for my shift at work...12hours, aaargh xXx

So I'm coming to the end of this term's "long weekend" break from Frontline...which actually happened on a sunday to a wednesday, so not a long weekend really but it was still lovely!
I feel like I'm in such a transition at the moment, I went from London, to Stoke/Keele, to Leeds...did I go back to visit home in Stoke, the place which was home for the last three years? Or will I be leaving home today, when I say au revoir to my parents and the city which was my home for the first eighteen years? Or am I in fact returning to my new home today...when I take the train back down to the big smoke? It's all quite confusing really, I feel like my world's a little bit fragmented at the moment...or is it just that my world is big, and at the grand old age of 22 that's something I'm going to have to get used to?...because that could be a good thing!
Whatever questions were raised from this past few days, and there are questions- I know that I needed it...needed to see some of the closest friends I have and to sit on the steps of Keele Hall in the sun and the frost...to drive through something that wasn't concrete or a tunnel...to get pampared by my parents and spend afternoons drinking tea and coffee with long-lost friends. Yay for long weekends! xXx